Thursday, February 3, 2011

The truth about me.

I don't know why but I've been stuck in a very bad place lately, everything around me is looking up. Yet I feel down, so uncontrollably down that I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I think when you're out of balance in your life it's hard to blog and talk to people. I don't want a "Debbie downer" or a boo-hoo situation, but if you know me... you know I'm lost. Good things keep happening to me, and I'm trying to keep up, trying to keep pace when all I want to do is drink and watch TV. I'm a smart man so I know this sounds... (ridiculous.) I have tried to work it out privately, but that's not working. I was just watching Oprah ( cliché yes) and she asked Jennifer Aniston the question what would you tell your 20-year-old self????????? I am newly 34 so that was 14 years ago. I wish to go a little deeper. (Joke always intended) before I start asking the younger me questions... I feel as though I should tell you why I'm answering them in front of you. The one response that I get to my blog is..... "I have never read a blog from start to finish before" I feel that I have fallen silent because making happiness is too much for me right now. And the burden of knowing I have to talk to you is adding unneeded gilts my life. (The truth hurts!!) Also you should know I recently suffered a back injury. ( And that just makes you feel old.) So with the above knowledge, let's play the game what would you ask Ethan????

Question one.... U GAY??? Yes, if you look at this picture of me at five years old, and think anything but... oh... honey, he is for-sure gay. Then you are fooling yourself. Why must we trick ourselves? Why if other people have the answers do they hold back? These are questions you cannot ask a five-year-old, but guidance would've saved me years of shame and embarrassment.

Me, 17, looking cocky and wonderful!!!( In my rented tuxedo) What you don't know is... this picture was taken just after junior prom, my "girlfriend" had just given me a BJ, to my rock hard cock,... and.... and.... and I could not cum. She was pretty, and slutty! All of which I enjoyed and respect. But I was so afraid of being gay... all I could think about, was..., stay hard.

Honestly, if I could talk to me at that moment... I would say, yes. You are gay... but you're 17 and a warm hole is a warm hole....... let go and enjoy yourself!! I stopped talking to a wonderful girl because, I was ashamed of who I was, she knew it, she still loved me. But I could no longer talk to her.

Now a senior in high school... I know I did not want my picture taken, and I know I was starting to hate myself. So young and so full of talent and all I could think was, " I bet I'm going to look gay in this photo" if I could talk to myself then?????? I would say..... don't HHHHAAAATTTEEEE. But all I could do was pray for God to change me! I am no longer a religious man. (I believe in a greater power) but if you pray and pray and pray and pray and PRAY to no longer be gay, and God does nothing for you, why would you not have a grudge against the people who say praying and he will fix you??? When they should be telling my
heels three times and I'll be home.

Now in Los Angeles, the city of Angels and lost dreams. At this moment I was too stupid to be mad at myself. I was young and ready to fall in love with a woman, and have lots of babies. What would I ask him?? Or what would I tell him? First, I would tell him to start drawing, (because I was not painting and drawing at this time in my life) I thought I was an untalented buffoon, and at any moment someone was going to call me out. Exposing the truth that I was not only,... gay but ...untalented.
So I have to tell him something valuable to make myself feel better today. The thing is, that I look at myself and I think I was happy then. ( Yes I was working on coming out and all that) but today... I feel used. And in the way I could not warn him about. (Not sexually) but mentally. Look at me. A straight F. student ( well not straight :0 ) yes I forgot to mention my dyslexia and how I could not pass one single course in high school. Maybe I was stronger than? Maybe... I would not let the word failure to penetrate me. I need to find my way back to strong. And if that includes ignorance, then, so be it. Stupid is better than feeling like this.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I think you're a very strong and SMART person! I also very much believe in your talent. I <3 u!!